Austens Philadelphia Phillies Blog

Austen's Predictin' / Austen's Getting Serious : The Bullpen Edition

2010-03-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

Shaun: Do you think Halladay will suck this season?
Austen: Nah he'll do well.

1:59 PM
Shaun: Will Hamels Suck?
2:00 PM
Shaun: Will Blanton suck?
Shaun: What will Halladay's major moment be this season?
2:02 PM

Austen: Hamels will do ok. Blanton will do ok.

2:03 PM
Austen: Halladay's major moment will be pitching 9 innings and giving up 2 runs.
2:07 PM
Shaun: What will Hamels era be?
Shaun: What will Blanton hide under his hat?
2:10 PM
Shaun:Will you get a Halladay bobble head?
5 minutes
2:15 PM
Austen: Hamels will pitch 3.40. Blanton will hide gum under his hat.

2:16 PM
Austen: And I probably won't get a Halladay bobble head.
7 minutes
2:24 PM
Shaun: Man, you are like a real sports d00de. Did you do research in that whole break?
30 minutes
2:54 PM
Austen: Nope. I just know baseball.
2:56pm
Shaun: Oh.
AUSTEN did not receive your chat.
Shaun: Oh.

Austen: Blank Fillin'!

2010-03-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

3:36 PM

Austen: wanna blog quick
3:38 PM
Austen: suit
12 minutes
3:51 PM
Austen: idiot
8 minutes
3:59 PM
Austen: dumb idiot
5 minutes
4:04 PM
Shaun: Ummmmm...hi?
9 minutes
4:13 PM
Austen: Hey. Sorry about calling you names. But really, come one. We should blog
4:20 PM
Shaun: Ok. Fill in the blank:

Spring training is like ____________

Austen:

Ice cream.

4:22 PM

Shaun:

Jayson Werth's beard must feel like _____________

4:23 PM

Austen:

Gross hair stuck in poop.

4:27 PM

Austen:

Jamie Moyers face looks like _____

4:29 PM

Shaun:

Bo Didley

Shaun:

When Charlie Manuel puts his hands down his pants he normally grabs _________

4:30 PM

Austen:

butt hole
s

4:31 PM

Shaun:

If there is one thing the Phillies miss in Flordia it's ________

4:32 PM

Austen:

Shaun:

If Jimmy Rollins didnt play baseball he would ___________

4:33 PM

Austen:

Smoke weed and be in more music videos.

4:42 PM
Austen:

If Ryan Howard didnt play first base, he would ____________

6 minutes
4:49 PM
Austen:

If Shaun wasn't a dismissive prick he'd be ________

Austen Got Problems: This Is Not About Baseball

2010-03-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

1:30 PM

Shaun: Hi.
1:34 PM
Austen: Hi.
Shaun: You think you can be invisible and shit?
Austen: I'm workin dawg.
1:36 PM
Shaun: Are you Justin Timberlake?

Shaun: Weird!!! Justin Timberlake just came on the radio.
1:37 PM
Shaun: I'm freeaaakkkinnggg out!!!
Austen: Uh ohhh
1:39 PM
Austen: I have to poop again. I feel like i'm pooping a lot.
1:41 PM
Shaun: I think you are.

Austen's Not Reading: Baby Utley

2010-03-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

Shaun: Did you know that Chase Utley hit a grand slam his second professional at bat? FACT!
Austen: Really!
12:54 PM
Shaun: Yeah. How fucking rad is that?
Austen: Real Rad.
Shaun: http://www.thefightins.com/meechone/flashback-chase-utleys-first-career-hit-is-a-grand-slam/

12:55 PM
Shaun: Look at how excited he was! He was like a little kid.
12:56 PM
Austen: He ran so fast. His first season was 2005? Hownold is he?
5 minutes
1:01 PM
Shaun: 24. Did you read that link? That's the very first thing they said.
1:02 PM
Austen: I just watched the video.
Shaun: Oh. Good.

Austen's Snow Day

2010-02-26T08:59:00.000-08:00

Shaun: Do you work today?
11:41 AM
Austen: Yeah. But i'm coming to your house.
11:42 AM
Shaun: Are you going to come in my house?
11:43 AM
Austen: I'm coming in your house.
Shaun: Please be careful of the carpets.
11:44 AM
Austen: No way man, thats what gets me off. I'm like a dog with worms.

Shaun: Wait. What are you talking about?
Austen: Playing Mario Kart?
Shaun: Ok. That's what i thought.
Austen:

Shaun: That dude is pretty bad ass.
Austen: They're all in noise bands.
11:54 AM
Shaun: Really? Is it a big joke?
Austen: The ending credits are real funny.
ok?
Yeah.
11:55 AM
Shaun: ok? what?
Austen: ok?
Shaun: you said "ok?"
Austen: hm?
Shaun: Oh yeah, they are RREEEALLLY good!!

Predictions by Austen: 2010 Season Cont'd

2010-02-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

Shaun: Predictions for Raul Ibanez this year: Go!
Austen: Cy Young.
1:17 PM
Shaun: Ummmm...ok. Roy Halladay: GO!
Austen: Triple Crown.

Shaun: Ok. UTS: GO!!!!
Austen: Designated Hitter Award!
Shaun: Big Brown GOOOO!!!!
1:19 PM
Shaun: Dammit we were on a roll.
1:20 PM
Austen: Cy Young!
6 minutes
1:26 PM
Austen: Did I tell you what a California Prayer book is?
1:27 PM
Shaun: YES. YES YOU DID.
Austen:A deck of cards. http://www.legendsofamerica.com/we-slang.html. You're all beer and skittles.
10 minutes
1:39 PM
Austen: You couldn't hit a bull's rump with a handful of banjos.
37 minutes
2:17 PM
Austen: He was as popular as a wet dog at a parlor social.His mustache smelled like a mildewed saddle blanket after it had been rid on a soreback hoss three hundred miles in August.
36 minutes
2:53 PM
Shaun: Thats a good one.

Austen's Plannin' Things/Let's Talk About Cool Pictures

2010-02-25T12:40:00.000-08:00

Austen: Did you see the one of Charlie Manuel?

11:38 AM
Shaun: Yeah. Its pretty bad ass. This one is pretty rad too.

11:43 AM
Shaun: Don't you wish someone would take bad ass photos of us like that? We would be so cool.
Austen: Lets have Ritter do it.
7 minutes

11:51 AM

Shaun: Ok

Austen Explains: Fantasy Babseball

2010-02-24T10:35:00.000-08:00

Austen: Are you hinting at something? Cause i don't want to show you my dick.
Shaun: Well Austen, I'm just saying, that would settle a lot of things.
Shaun: I just got this email:
http://view.ed4.net/v/CVNAF9/726H9L/EXXL98T/JWUUGB/MAILACTION=1&FORMAT=H?partnerId=ed-3209498-125190596
What the fuck is the deal with fantasy sports? Can't these poeple just play video games?
Austen: Like how do they work? Its totally different.
1:07 PM
Shaun: No it's not
Austen: Yeah t is. You don't actually play, you just set up teams, trade, etc. Its all based on stats and stuff.

1:08 PM
Shaun: well you can do that shit in a video game too
Austen: But its not based on your knowledge of the actual MLB.
1:09 PM
Shaun: Whaddaya mean?
Austen: Iif you play a video game, you don't have to know whats going on in real life.
Shaun: Well, if you play the game in the winter, It is real life.
Austen: In a video game, Cliff Lee doesn't get traded to Seattle.
Shaun: Unless you get mlb 2010
Austen: What?
1:10 PM
Shaun: The game is its own reality. The future is nigh, d000de.
Austen: Do you really not understand how fantasy baseball works?
Shaun: No, I get it, I just dont get why people would want to do that.
Austen: Because. Fantasy baseball is contingent on real life stats.
1:13 PM
Shaun: And on dumbdom. We should make a fantasy El Bar softball team.
Austen: Do you think we could have the entire team be Ken Griffey Jr?
1:15 PM
Shaun: Yes. As long as one slot can be filled by a Jamie Moyer/Matt Stairs hybrid
1:16 PM
Austen: Moyer body with Matt Stairs extremities and face?
Shaun: Yup. Well, one Jamie Moyer arm
1:18 PM
Austen: yeah

That Beard Ain't Jack

2010-02-22T14:03:00.000-08:00

Austen's Beard Battles: Brown V. Werth

2010-02-22T10:48:00.000-08:00

Shaun: Jason Werth just said FUCK AUSTENS BEARD BLOG

Austen: uh oh
Shaun: Sorry...Jayson, not Jason.
1:11 PM
Austen: He doesn;t want to try this. I'll blow him away.
Shaun: I think he just called you a pussy

Austen: he didnt even do it to my face
17 minutes
1:29 PM
Shaun: Oh yes he did. He just sent it to you telekinetically. And then he got pissed because you didnt hear.

1:30 PM
Shaun: And then he called you Brown-Face Brown-Pants.
1:32 PM
Shaun: And then he threatened to steal your oreos, even though he knew they had toothpaste in the middle and then feed them to you in your sleep. While he sat on your chest. And waited until you woke up. And donkey punched you.

5 minutes
1:38 PM
Shaun: All because you shaved.

1:40 PM
Shaun: Hello?

Props to The Fightins for finding & posting the image.

Austen's Let's Talk About Stuff

2010-02-17T11:24:00.000-08:00

Austen: Should we blog about
12:08 PM
Austen: Ice cream?
Shaun: How Cole Hamels was figure skating last night?
Austen: That wasn't Hamels though.
Shaun: Yes it was.

Austen: You're right it was!
12:10 PM
Shaun: Told you. He was all, "I'm gonna wear overalls and skate like a queen because my baseball career is going to the shits"
Austen: Did you know Cole Hamels wife was in Playboy?
12:11 PM
Shaun: Yeah. And on Survivor. And with a black man.

Austen: Are those their kids?
12:15 PM
Austen: Oh dude, the last episode of West Wing I watched was so good. It was the debate between Santos and Vinnick. Did you know that medicare is the most efficient health care system in the world? It has an overhead of 2%.
12:21 PM
Shaun: No way. Really?
Austen: Yeah.
Shaun: But wait...did you get this information from a tv show?
Austen: yeah
12:22 PM
Austen: But I checked it out as well.
12:26 PM
Austen: Did you like LOST?
Shaun: It was aight.
Austen: The cave was cool, but thats it.
Shaun: I feel like they are starting to get to oh shit type stuff.
Austen: I didnt undrstand what the rest of the episode was about.
Shaun: I really want to stop trying to figure things ut.
12:28 PM
Austen: Look how my mom spelled afghanistan:

aphghanastans

12:32 PM
Shaun: Really??? What's the deal with that?
Austen: Got me.
9 minutes
12:42 PM
Austen: apecanistand.

32 minutes

1:14 PM

Shaun: I never watched West Wing.

Austen's Deep Thoughts

2010-02-12T07:37:00.000-08:00

Shaun: What are you thinking about?
Austen: nothin
10:26 AM
Shaun: Really. Nothing at all?
Austen: Yeah. Nothing.
Shaun: Not even like...
10:27 AM
Shaun: "Maybe I'll masterbate today"?? Or..."Why the fuck did Shaun just say that"??
Austen: No, i already thought that.
Shaun: Oh
10:28 AM
Austen: :-/

Austen's World of Snow: Crane Snowball Fight Smack Talk

2010-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

The following interaction took place minutes before a snowball fight of epic proportions was set to unfold in front of the Crane Arts Building in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The battle lasted for 45 minutes, with 6 nard hits, dozens of face blasts, and an untimely ice ball to the head. Many participated, few made it out unscathed.

Austen: Snow in your butt!
Shaun: Butt in your face!
12:22 PM
Austen: Face in your junk!
12:23 PM
Austen: Junk in your butt!
12:24 PM
Austen: Butt in your face!
!
12:25 PM
Shaun: Get ready for a snow fisting!
Austen: Fist in your butt!
Shaun: They're gonna call you "Austen 'Blown Out' Brown".
Austen: Shaun "Snowy Pink Sock" Baer.
12:27 PM
Shaun: Austen Brown-Pants-Brown-Face Brown.
Austen: Shaun "Loves Bear Dicks" Baer.
7 minutes
12:35 PM
Shaun: Austen "Brown Weiner" Brown.
Austen: Shaun "Fawn Penis" Baer.

12:36 PM
Shaun: Austen "(S)No Balls" Brown.
Austen: Shaun "Long Dong" Baer. haha
Shaun: Austen "Anteater Vagina" Brown.
12:37 PM
Shaun: Austen "Hot Dog Down A Hallway" Brown.
Shaun: Austen "Melted Snickers" Brown.
Austen: Shaun "Momma Cum" Baer
12:38 PM
Shaun: Austen "The Womb" Brown.
Shaun: When are you leaving
Austen: Shaun "The
12:39 PM
i think 1
Shaun: This doesnt make sense
12:40 PM
Austen: uh huh
5 minutes
12:45 PM
Shaun: See you in Hell, Austen "Buttfuckin" Brown.
12:46 PM
Austen: Shaun "will be dead by the morning" Baer

Austen's Got a Friend: Evolution Part 2: The Underworld

2010-02-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

Austen's Got a Friend: Evolution

2010-02-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

Austen's Got a Friend

2010-02-09T11:53:00.000-08:00

Austen: My picture is real good though.
Shaun: Yeah. Is it legit or is it photoshopped?
Austen: Its also my desktop. I'm going to say its legit.
11:52 AM
Shaun: Why would an anteater stand up?
Austen: To give a hug.
11:55 AM
Shaun: To show a lady his dong
Austen: To get his ant eaten
Shaun: To catch a predator. To fuck a tree.
11:56 AM
Austen: To hug a tree.
11:57 AM
Shaun: To fight a tree.
Austen: To catch a tree.
Shaun: To hug a predator. I hate today.
Austen: Why? Is Sammi touching you?

Austens Lost Timeline

2010-02-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

Shaun's Lost Timeline:

Austen's Revisions to Shaun's Lost Timeline:

This Just In: Shaun's a Bummer

2010-02-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

12:07 PM

Austen: Should we blog real quick?
12:09 PM
Shaun: Ok. Bout what?
Austen: About...Pedro being a free agen
12:11 PM
Austen:t
Austen:or
Austen: About the iPad. Or about Lost.

12:13 PM
Austen: or about Dustins trip to California.
12:14 PM
Shaun: I dont think it will be too major if Pedro leaves. In fact, I would welcome it.
Austen: Why?
Shaun: Dunno. Never really thought that much of him.
Austen: Why not?
Shaun: Plus he looks like a Mike Judge character.
Austen: What?
Shaun: He looks like he should be from King of the Hill.
12:15 PM
Austen: Are there any black people on King of the Hill?

Shaun: Probably. But I dont know.
Austen: Well it sounds like you just keep talking about things you don't know.
Shaun: Well thats what I do.
12:16 PM
Austen: Yeah I know.
Shaun: Its way cooler than looking things up on Wikipedia. My world is more right than everyone elses.
12:17 PM
Austen: I don't know about that.
Shaun: I'll be back in 10 minutes
Austen: I have to leave in 10 minutes

----------------------------------------20 minutes

12:37 PM

Shaun: I'm back

Ask Austen

2010-02-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Austin:

What position would you play if you played baseball?

-Filsfan

I don't really like baseball that much.

_____________________________________________

Austen:

How bummed are you about Matt Stairs being traded, and do you think he will be better or worse in his new city?

-Stairsadelphia

Pretty bummed. I can't imagine he'll get any moon shots in southern california. We know that the moon is north, and that matt stairs gets his power from the moon, so the farther away he is from the north pole the worse he does. thats why he's from canada. because its closer to the moon, and its a little bit colder. if the MLB was really concerned about matt stairs talent they would have traded him to toronto, or maybe japan. is japan farther north?

Dear Stairsadelphia:

Do you know what the most northern baseball team in the world is?

Dear Austen:

I don't think this is how this format works. But is it the Calgary Flames?

-Stairsadelphia

_____________________________________________

Hey Austen,

Just wondering, why did you shave your beard?

-NoMoBeardBlog

Bruntlett sent me some very scary emails about my beard catching up to his beard. You would have done the same thing. By the way, I like your blog.

_____________________________________________

Austen-

Where did you get those Phillies tattoo's at?

-PhuckingPhillies

They're actually not tattoos at all. They're home made burns that shaun gave me by twisting a coat hanger into the phillies logo and heating the hanger up on a stove top. Shaun then pressed the coat hanger against my skin until we heard my skin start popping.

_____________________________________________

Dear Austen,

What do you think Brad Lidge will do this season?

-WhatSlider

Brad Lidge isn't doing shit. Hopefully he gets injured.

_____________________________________________

D000000D:

How pumped are you for LOST tonight????

-Shaun

I'm pretty excited. I hope Jack and Kate get back together OMG!

Austen's Not Gonna Take It: Joe Blanton

2010-01-28T11:10:00.000-08:00

Austen: What should we bog about today?
1:36 PM
Shaun: Ummmm...how Cliff Lee got fucked? For no reason?
Austen: We've already talked about that though. Its old news
1:37 PM
Austen: I'm making soup with beer right now.
Shaun: But not with the Blanton deal.
Austen: Whats the Blanton deal?
Shaun: Blanton got a salary bump to 8 mill a season. Lee was 9 mil.
1:38 PM
Austen: Are you for serious
Shaun: Yeah
Austen: Blanton is lame
Shaun: I know
Austen: What the hell is wrong with the Phillies?
Shaun: He wears his hat like he's hiding a sandwich underneath it.

Austen: He looks like a bro from the sticks. Like bethlehem or something. Is that considered the sticks here?
1:39 PM
Shaun: Ummmm...I dont think people think about it. I would consider the sticks Pennsyltucky.
Austen: Where do you think blanton looks like he's from then? Thats just a different word for Pennsylvania right?
Shaun: Well, sort of. In the middle of the state, suddenly all of these people turn into hicks and get southern accents.
1:40 PM
Austen: Yeah. But where do you think blanton looks like he's from. Thats really a poor worded sentence, does it make sense? Do you get what i'm trying to ask?
1:42 PM
Shaun: Ummm. He looks like he just got out of high school and didn't mentally evolve.
Austen: But where do you think his highschool was!
Shaun: ummm
1:43 PM
http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&hs=jCF&q=blanton+texas&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hq=&hnear=Blanton,+TX&gl=us&ei=u9phS6ymBIrV8Abqo4ymAg&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CAgQ8gEwAA

Austen: If you saw a guy that looked like Blanton in Old City, where do you think that guy would come from?
Shaun: I don't follow. You mean...where would he come from?
1:44 PM
Austen: Yeah.
Shaun: Like, geographically?
Austen: Yeah
Shaun: Ummm..............
1:45 PM
Bethlehem
Austen: Oh my god. I already said that.
Shaun: No you didn't.

Analysis by Austen

2010-01-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

Austen: So whats his names contract was extended for a few years.
12:45 PM

Oh, you're at your physical. I hope you don't have diabetes.
Good luck.

Austen's Worst Day Ever

2010-01-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

Read this. It's a sad, sad day.

12:11 PM

Austen: OH MY GOD I'M MOVING

Shaun: RIGHT? What the fuck.
Austen: What the hell
Shaun: Even though they didnt win the world series, It was probably one of the best teams for the Phils ever.
Austen: Yeah definitely
Shaun: And now 2 of those major components are gone.
Austen: Now they changed everything about it.
12:12 PM
Shaun: Would you consider Roy Halladay to be bling?
12:13 PM
Shaun: You Missed a beard day, by the way
12:14 PM
Shaun: Do you want to go to a Phils V Padres game?
12:15 PM
Shaun: We can get Matt Stairs to sign your boner. Does this mean the blog is done?

12:20 PM

Austen: Sorry i was in the bathroom.
12:21 PM
Austen: I gotta leave for work.

Shaun: Really? You pick one with fucking Dave Matthew's Band?

Austen's Beard Battle: Update

2010-01-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

Shaun: Are you going to battle Bruntlett?

Austen: Whoa, I dunno. He' a heavy hitter.
3:30 PM
Shaun: Well, yes or no? We can set up a fishing trip.

3:31 PM

Shaun:Do you think he's a cool dude or a redneck asshole?
Austen: oh my god i think my washer is exploding
3:32 PM
Austen: Its ok.
Shaun: Thank God
Austen: He's probably cool.
Shaun: How did you find out it was ok so fast?
3:33 PM
Austen: i went in the basement and looked at it
3:47 PM
Shaun: oh

Austen's Brown vs. Bruntlett: Beard Wars

2010-01-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

Austen just moved his beard to the internet. And it's here to find your mother and rub itself inside of her.

http://austensbeardblog.blogspot.com/

Dear Austen

2010-01-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Austen:

What do you think about Hockey?

-SportsNStuff

Hockey is cool if you like white athletes and dislike curling.
_____________________

Mr. Brown:

If you could write a play about baseball, who would it be about and why?

-Philly Pheater

What?
_____________________

Austan:

If Captain Manuel drank drank, what would he do?

Thanks in advance
- Poppin Champagne

probably get drunk? how should i know.
_____________________

Dear Blogger:

I would like to purchase your blogspot domain. I am willing to pay current market price, or $5. Are you willing to do so?

-Austen Purple

Sure, this blog is a piece of shit who's only purpose is to make shaun feel like we're better friends than we really are.

Austens Missed Connections

2010-01-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

Austen: dude blog
3:55pm

Austen's Conversations Gone Wild

2010-01-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

Shaun: who would win in a fight: Dave Valle or Chooch?
Austen: Dave Valle
12:04 PM
Austen: Dave Valle is probably more imbittered.
Shaun: Who would win in a fight: Dave Valle or Han Solo?
Austen: hm

12:05 PM

Austen: Han Solo.
Shaun: Who would win in a fight: Dave Valle or Matt Stairs?
Austen: Oh. Matt Stairs
Shaun: Who would win in a fight: Han Solo or Matt Stairs?
Austen: Hm. How about Han Solo vs. Matt Stairs and Dave Valle?
12:06 PM
Shaun:: Ok, who would win?
Austen: Matt Stairs and Dave Valle
Shaun: Are we talking tag team or 2 on 1? And are laser guns legal in said fight?
Austen: Maybe you should do the face thing with Dave Valle and Matt Stairs. Do DV and MS have LGs.
12:07 PM
Shaun: Little Giants?
Austen: Please. You know Matt Stairs has a giant penis?
Shaun: What are you talking about? No. How did you find this out?
Austen: Its obvious. His cup is pretty big.
12:08 PM

Shaun: Maybe he just has a big cup.
Austen: Are you telling me Matt Stairs is faking a big dick?
12:10 PM
Austen: dude?
12:11 PM
Austen: Shaun?
12:12 PM
Shaun: What? Yes. Possibly.
Austen: No way.

12:13 PM

Austen: I guess I should go to Dick Blix with Dustin.
12:14 PM

Austen: Oh, its Dick Blick I guess? Thats fucking dumb. I'll see ya.

Bloggen With Austen

2010-01-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

Shaun: What do you want to blog about? Roy Halladay Bobble Head?
Austen: Oh! I think tim brought a girl home last night.
Shaun: Really?!?! What makes you say this?
Austen: i heard some giggling!
Shaun: Was she a mummer?
Austen: I dont know! They're still in there! But i dont hear anything.
Shaun: Uh oh. You should go ask him what to blog about.
Austen: No way.
Shaun: Can we call Tim Mit, and we can call you by your indian name Netsua?
Austen: what does netsua mean?
Shaun: Austen backwards.
Shaun: Mit is tim backwards.
Austen: oh jesus
Shaun: ....
12:14 PM
Austen: I'm sorry.
Shaun: What do you want to blog about.
Austen: How about...Raul Ibanez.
Shaun: Ok.
Austen: Just put that picture me and dustin made up.

Shaun: Tthats it?
Austen: Probably not.
12:16 PM
Austen: I have to go.

BREAKING NEWS: Austen Goes To Court

2010-01-07T06:48:00.000-08:00

Austen Brown was summoned to do his civic duty this past Monday, and was chosen to deliver the fate of a fellow human being. When reached for comment, Brown had this to say:

Jruy dtyu si fllu of ASSHOLE jrks.

We will let you know more details as they become available. Also, official Brown "Juror" jerseys may be available soon at your local retailer.

Shine on, brave citizen, shine on.

Ask Austen

2010-01-05T13:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Austen,

Do you think that Pedro will still be on the Phillies next season? If not, where will he be? Will he be on a boat?

Thanks,
Dominadelphia

Dear Dominadelphia,

Me and Pedro are going on a boat trip.

Sorry.

__________________________________________________________

Dear Austen,

If you could be Matt Stairs for one day, what would you do?

-Belile

Dear Belile,

I am Matt Stairs.

-Austen

__________________________________________________________

Austin:

Do you think any Phillie will ever get as much poonanie as Burrell? Who?

-Three Nut Kruk

Dear Three Nut Cruk.

Baseball isn't about getting pussi. But me and Pedro do pretty well.

__________________________________________________________

If you have a question for Austen, email him at austen{dot}brown{at}gmail{dot}com

The Year That Will Be: Predictions from Austen Brown

2010-01-04T13:23:00.000-08:00

Shaun: 2010 Predictions, go!
Austen: Mariners
4:04 PM
Shaun: Thats it? Thats all you have to say?
4:05 PM
Shaun: What about Halladay?
Austen: Lee is going to the mariners right? So they'll probably win.
Shaun: So Lee is the Key?
Austen: Yeah i guess
4:06 PM
Shaun: Are you willing to predict if there will be T-Shirts that say that?
Austen: Yep.
Shaun: What about Chan Ho Park? What about Lidge?
4:07 PM
Shaun: What about Matt Stairs
4:08 PM
Shaun: What about Charlie Manuel?
4:09 PM
Shaun: What about Chase MothaFucking Uts? What about this blog? What does the future hold for that?
Are you taking a shit?
4:11 PM
Shaun: What do you think about Jersey Shore?
Hello?
4:17pm
Austen: They already have shirts for Matt Stairs:

4:21pm

Point / Counterpoint with Austen Brown: Cole Hamels

2009-12-28T10:20:00.000-08:00

Point by Shaun: What do you think hamels got for Christmas?
Couterpoint by Austen: Hmm...a baseball.
Point: A black baby?

Couterpoint: Whoa. How did you find that?
Point: Internet.
Couterpoint: Did you look up "hamels house"
Point: Nah, I saw that image before. Though when you google "Hamels house" you get this:

and this

What a douche
Couterpoint: Oh... Yeah...
Point: I can't tell if he's a nerd wants-to-be-a-cool-guy, or if he is just a douche. In reality, I dont think he has a personality to determine the answer to that question. Case in point:

Couterpoint: Its no there anymore
Point: Well it was an awful comcast commercial
Point by Austen:

Couterpoint by Shaun: What the fuck is that?
Point by Austen: Nick Jonas' new band.

Make It Rain with Austen

2009-12-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

Shaun: So what are you thinking about
Austen: "That is so cool" "Holy smokes"
Shaun: "God what I would give for a pizza pail and an inflated pussy". I dont know what the fuck that was.
Austen: Whats a pizza pail?
Shaun: Ask dustin
Austen: he's at work
Shaun:: Oh. What an idiot.
Austen:Yeah. It looks like chan ho park isn't returning
Shaun: Reakky? Really? Where's he going? And wait...why don't you like chan ho park? I thought he was pretty good.
Austen: He never really impressed me.
Shaun: Not even when he did this:

Austen: That's good.
Shaun: What if we just post a bunch of crazy phillies champagne videos.
Austen: I'd be pissed if i got champaghe [sic] all over me.
Shaun: Why?
Austen: Its so sticky!
Shaun: That's what she said
Austen: Yeah.

Shaun: Did you ever see that one?
Austen's new status message - watching jersey shore. 1:16 PM

Austen's Season Pickz

2009-12-19T11:14:00.000-08:00

Shaun: Do you think Utz could hit a homer in the snow?
Austen: Yeah.
Shaun: In this snow?
Austen: Yeahthe snow would probably turn into fireballs.
Shaun: And then the ice would snow would melt. And it would be summer?
Austen: Spring i think.
Shaun: So he's not a Don Henley do then? Dude. Not do. Sorry. D00d. Not dude.
Austen: Dood its ok.
Shaun: No austen. d00d. Those are zeros, man.
Austen: k00l d00d. I'm going tomgo watch west wing.

Ask Austen

2009-12-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Austen:

If Matt Stairs was an inanimate object, what would he be?

From: Moon Shotadelphia

Dear Moon Shot: A barstool, cause he looks like he drinks a lot.
I'm not very good at this.
-Austen

--

Dear Austen: What would Matt Stairs' alter ego be named, and what would he be like?
From: Stairsnotsteps

Dear Steps: I'm thinking

Dear Austen: You are not very good at this.

Dear Steps:

--
If you have a question for Austen about Matt Stairs or anyone on the Phillies, contact austen{dot}brown{at}gmail{dot}com.

Point / Counterpoint with Austen Brown

2009-12-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Point / Counterpoint where Austen squares off against people, the English language, and baseball, but just like Uts, Brown can pull on fast question like nobody's bidnass and work that trick all the way to right field.

Point by Austen: Why are the phillies trying to find a 3rd basemen when they have matt stairs
Counterpoint by Shaun: but he's fat
Point: all 3rd basemen are fat
Counterpoint: not polanco

Point by Austen: matt stairs is like a fatter version of edgar martinez
Counterpoint by Shaun: who is obviously an alcoholic
Point: Yo man, lay off Edgar. Don't you know about the Edgar Martinez designated hitter award?
Counterpoint: No.
Point: Its like the Cy Young, but for designated hitters.They just made it a couple years ago.
Counterpoint: Do you think Matt Stairs will get it?
Point: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edgar_Martinez_Award. Know, [sic] cause he's stuck in the NL
Counterpoint: So that Matsui fucker? Will it be him?...oh, it was not him
Point: Some dude i havent heard of.

Point by Shaun: Can halladay hit?
Counterpoint by Austen: I doubt it.
Point: What if it is a lady?
Counterpoint: What if who is a lady?
Point: Could he hit if he was a lady? Wait...no. Could he hit if it was a lady, you know, like smash that shit.
Counterpoint: Like whoop that trick?

Point: Could he have sex with a baseball lady? Can halladay hit that shit? Can halladay have sex with a baseball if it was a lady?
Counterpoint: yeah i guess so

On Halladay

2009-12-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

why worry about starting pitching

when we still have chan ho park and brad lidge